i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's official drugs can't kill me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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