He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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