Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
