can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
