True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
