Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
