i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
