I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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