I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
