she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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