I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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