Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
