We named our party play list daddy issues
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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