I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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