$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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