I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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