I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
