Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
