Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
