We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
