paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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