I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
