All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
