I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
