I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
