I accidentally had phone sex last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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