I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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