Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
