I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
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