Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
