Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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