I am spending my child support on dildos
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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