I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
