All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
