What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Randomize
