Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
