brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
