I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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