I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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