so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
