Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
