I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
