i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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