Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
