I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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