I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
