Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
