I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
