the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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