Can i not drive my cunt home
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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